Where ancient evils, dark sorcerers, and disgruntled viziers gather to vent, plot, and maybe—just maybe—heal.
Meeting Minutes: Villains’ Support Group (VSG) – Session #438
Location: The Secret Volcano Lair (conference room B, after the necromancer cult vacated)
Refreshments: Black coffee, despair, and slightly stale scones (thanks, Gregor the Dreadful, for forgetting the snacks… again).
Dark Lord Varnok the Ever-Brooding (current group moderator):
“Welcome back, everyone. Let’s begin with our weekly check-in. Remember, this is a safe space to share your feelings and frustrations.”
Agrona (from Magorian and Jones):
Leans back, arms crossed “I find these gatherings… amusing. Watching you all grapple with your petty grievances while I orchestrate chaos on a grander scale. But please, continue.”
Scheming Vizier Malrec of the Whispering Cloak:
Rolls eyes theatrically “You think you’ve got problems? My sultan won’t even listen to my very reasonable suggestions for total imperial domination. I practically handed him a flawless coup on a silver platter, and he called it ‘too ambitious.’ I’m not being ambitious, I’m being strategic.”
Ancient Evil Known Only as ‘It’ (Genderfluid Mass of Shadows and Regret):
“I’m… tired. I’ve been sealed in a crypt for six thousand years, and when I finally wake up, what do I get? Influencers. One of them filmed themselves doing a dance challenge in my tomb. Do you know how hard it is to inspire dread when people are adding filters to your resurrection?”
Gregor the Dreadful (Orc Warlord, Intern):
“I brought pamphlets. They say we should practice positive affirmations. So every morning I look in the mirror and say, ‘I am terrifying. My rage is valid. My enemies are wrong.’”
Morgwyn the Witch of Hollowmere:
“I cursed a prince last week. Classic frog situation. But now he’s gone viral on social media as ‘#FrogPrinceGlowUp’ and he’s started a self-love podcast. This is not how dark magic is supposed to work.”
Sauron (The Dark Lord):
An oppressive silence fills the room as a burning eye manifests above the table.
“I do not partake in trivialities. My gaze pierces all. My will dominates. This assembly is beneath me.”
The eye vanishes, leaving a lingering sense of dread.
Sephiroth (from Final Fantasy VII):
Flips silver hair dramatically “I once believed I was the chosen one, destined to lead humanity to a new era. But they called me mad. Perhaps they were right. Still, the planet’s cries echo in my soul.”
Kefka Palazzo (from Final Fantasy VI):
Bursts into maniacal laughter “Oh, the melodrama! I poisoned a kingdom just to see the colors change! Who needs purpose when chaos is so much fun?”
Group Discussion Summary:
- Agrona remains unimpressed by the group’s grievances.
- Sauron’s disdain for the meeting is palpable.
- Sephiroth is brooding, as usual.
- Kefka is delighting in everyone else’s misery.
- Gregor is trying his best, bless him.
Action Items for Next Week:
- Develop a group-wide evil rebranding campaign. Working slogan: “It’s Not Evil, It’s Just Assertive.”
- Host a wellness seminar: Darkness and Boundaries: When to Say No to World Domination.
- Workshop new villain origin stories that don’t involve tragic childhoods or curses (optional: bring wine).
Taylen Carver
SRP Fantasy Author
Browse Taylen’s books here.
